One fine day in August I hit the wall…again. Chained to my computer while the days of Summer were in their full bloom I was pushing and straining and trying to get up and over that wall of “making it” as a holistic entrepreneur, as I had been for almost 8 years.
A potential client who seemed to be in great need of my support and who felt like a “sure bet” after our initial session texted me to let me know she couldn’t “afford” to start coaching with me right now. I had been celebrating that some money would be coming in soon. I needed it badly and was counting on that payment to pull me out of the financial hole I was in. I was desperate.
So, my first reaction to this text had nothing to do with her sacred timing and her personal process…it had nothing to do with her wellbeing at all…it had everything to do with my own financial stress…and I lost it. I just broke down under the pressure of it all in a puddle of tears and frustration.
This wall I’ve been stubbornly brutalizing myself against is the one that says I have to succeed in this economy (i.e. make all my money) solely through my work as a coach and teacher.
It says that my spiritual work and my livelihood have to be one and the same. That to do anything else for money would be giving up on my mission, selling out or getting distracted.
It says that Spirit will affirm my path and reward me through income if I’m on the right track. That if it’s not working out I must be doing something wrong or harboring some dysfunctional belief or baggage around money that’s “blocking my flow.” That my lack of financial stability is all about me having hang ups and, if I really wanted to, I could “process” my way to a steady 6 figure income. That if I truly wanted to help people effectively I had to become successful.
I thought this was the higher path.
I thought this was dedication to my purpose.
And so, for almost 8 years I’ve held myself to the fire, day in and day out, trying to figure out a way over or through this wall.
I’ve invested HUGE amounts of money and time and energy into learning the tricks of the trade and scouring my subconscious of any limiting beliefs I could find in an effort to hurl myself over the wall.
I have tortured my body with long hours inside on the computer hunched and twisted, stressed to the gills, trying to make sense of this thing called “business”.
I’ve self-analyzed and prayed and tweaked my schedule a million times to strike the most productive balance between setting a great example of self-care and always being “on top of my game” in an effort to be the perfect holistic entrepreneur.
I put my all into creating and promoting the most meaningful (and marketable) programs and offerings I could muster. And then, when people couldn’t afford them or weren’t able to make time for them, I’d be crushed…often going back to the drawing board of… “there must be something wrong with me and what I’m doing.”
This probably happened over a million times in the last 8 years. And each time I would follow the advice of the “greats” by picking myself up, dusting myself off and running headlong into the wall again.
But not this time.
What I’ve been doing instead of stressin’ these days…savoring the turning seasons and the preciousness of life.
As this most recent breakdown cracked me open I turned within to unflinchingly look at what was really in there…and I realized…I don’t want to get over this wall…this wall is not for me, at all.
It turns out that this wall was actually a guardrail for me…preventing me from moving forward on that path and guiding me in an entirely different direction.
The truth is that I am here on this planet and in this body to facilitate and collaborate in the RADICAL transformation of our culture.
For me, this means the actual co-creation of an entirely new way of living…transforming our cultural lifeways from those that destroy, defile and alienate to those that connect, nurture and sustain life and the wellbeing of all. I thought a successful coaching business was a means to this end, but…
As I get honest with that calling and consider the aspects of this culture that are most in need of transformation, I find our current economic model (including all forms of “business”) at the top of the list…
Actually, to put it bluntly, I find that our whole economic paradigm is fucked.
The way we relate to money and think about it…how it influences our behavior and limits our choices. The way our lust and reverence for money continually excuses the most vial offenses against the very life systems that support us (and everything else). The way our relationship with money has commodified almost everything in our lives from water and food to love and connection. The way this commercialized culture has warped our own precious consciousness and attention with flashy advertisements, excessive stimulation and Pavlovian brand recognition.
“We are quite accustomed to seeing money as the key to the fulfillment of all our desires. How many dreams do you have that you assume you could fulfill if only (and only if) you had the money? Thus we mortgage our dreams to money, turning it from means to end.”
– Charles Eisenstein Sacred Economics (highly recommended read, btw)
I can see now how this economic paradigm has run me and caused me to turn my love of life and my desire to help others into a business. I can see how in making it a business I’ve gotten it all turned around…that I’ve bound and gagged my essential gift.
The ultimate goal of my life’s work is cultivate harmony and respect within the magical and beautiful Sacred Hoop of Life by recognizing our kinship (with our fellow humans and all our non-human relatives) and learning to care for each other and nurture the wellbeing of the whole.
When I am in financial lack and desperation and you are in need of my support and the only way we have to relate with each other is through the exchange of money this all gets thrown out the window.
The words might still be there but the God’s honest truth is, that when I don’t have enough money to buy groceries or pay rent, my primary motivation is to get money…and being fully present for your needs and your process becomes secondary. Being honest and radically creative also winds up taking a back seat to being palatable and lucrative. And I’m fucking over it.
It’s hard to confess this realization publicly, but it is true. It has been tearing me up for years. And I fucking hate being in this position. This separation between you and me…this strategizing and scheming to figure out how to get you to pay me so I can “make it.”
So I’m pulling out of it…
I’m an empowered, intelligent woman, free to choose and create my own experience. So I’m calling it…I’m done with the bullshit. I will not force myself to play this game of acquisition any longer.
I’m taking the desperation out of my work so I can show up more fully for Spirit’s call and be truly present for the people who truly need my support.
To free myself from the desperation I’ve done something radical…something wildly outrageous…something I never thought I’d do again…
I got a J-O-B.
I decided to look for a part-time job that would pay enough to alleviate my stress without devouring all of my time and energy…and by the grace of the Goddess I found the perfect one…right away!!
My first day on the new job, running an after school program for elementary students across the valley. We were blessed by an owl on our first day together (look up on the lamp post). She hung out the whole time we were playing lodge ball and took flight just as we were leaving the park.
This job takes the pressure of needing to “build” my “business” and allows me to give myself permission to get real with the transformational work, cutting away all the parts that feel inauthentic. I’m giving myself the room to breathe that Spirit requires for deep connection and true transformation.
I imagine I’ll continue to write and share my writing through these blog posts and my emails to you all. And I intend to keep a window of time in my schedule for coaching a limited number of individuals along their personal growth paths. Writing and coaching…this is what I love.
But…no more marketing…no more promotions…no more trying to come up with the newest flashiest way to get your attention online. I’ve never like this crazy hustle…always stressed over it…and can’t bring myself to do it anymore. If you are meant to find me, you will. If you’re interested in what I have to share, you’ll pay attention.
There is so much to all of this…so many layers of the radical transformation I’m being called to unfolding through this shift…so much that is unknown and unclear…so much that is crystal clear to me.
One thing I know for sure is that in the absence of the demands of money, I feel my spirit emerging and the expression of my most authentic gifts blossoming…and it feels fantastic!
“Our purpose for being, the development and full expression of our gifts, is mortgaged to the demands of money, to making a living, to surviving. Yet no one, no matter how wealthy, secure, or comfortable, can ever feel fulfilled in a life where those gifts remain latent.”
– Charles Eisenstein Sacred Economics (highly recommended read, btw)
I’m not entirely sure what will come of it all…but I’ll do my best to keep you posted.
