A Life with Some Question Marks
After three weeks of travel, family visiting, sight seeing and camping in the wilderness I’m back home now to my altar, to my desk and to my regular daily routine. I’m reorienting to my life. A beautiful, gentle, graceful life that also carries strain and struggle. A life with some BiG question marks on it…for myself and for our collective reality.
The question of how to sustain ourselves in the context of an unsustainable society has been nipping at my heels for almost 20 years.
How am I supposed to “make it” in a system designed for my failure and servitude?
How can I create beauty and meaning and provide an inspiring and promising future for my daughter and her peers while industry is defacing and defiling all that is beautiful and life giving?
These questions have been building like storm clouds in my heart over the past few years. Each month, I struggle to make enough money to barely cover the basics of a sane and healthy lifestyle for myself and my daughter in the shadow of this consumer culture, while dreaming of “getting ahead” enough to be able to buy our way out of it…to have our own place, grow our own food, live life together as nature intended.
The dream keeps me running but I find I’m just running in circles…and the older she gets, the more the consumer culture digs its claws into us. We’re in deep and everything seems to be getting tighter…more expenses, less income, more demands on our time and energy.
Now, with a partner and another child in our family, it all magnifies. The yearning for a natural family lifestyle in intimate relation with the cycles of nature and the pressures of trying to keep our heads above water in this consumer culture whirlpool.
Over this past month…away from my altar and my centering practices…immersed in the intensity of consumer culture on the East Coast…these questions have been running amuck in my heart and mind with no answers.
Where are we going to live?
How are we going to pull off supporting two teenagers next schoolyear?
When is it going to get any easier?
What about our own dreams and desires?
And it worked me all up into a bundle of nerves and stress.
As I sat at my altar on my first morning back and laid these questions out for my spirit guides to chew on I realized just how stressed I had been while traveling. I recognized the brick walls of tension that built up in my consciousness and were leading me exactly where I didn’t yearn to go.
Coming back to my altar reminded me of the core desired feelings I had been working with since doing my own Heart-Centered Manifestation process earlier in the year.
The feelings behind my yearning for simple, sweet, natural family time. The feelings that are guiding me toward that gentle way of living in balance with nature and in integrity with my soul.
At ease…In Tune…Turned On…Honest…Plentiful
Ha! Three weeks away from my daily practices and I wasn’t feeling any of these feelings…Oh my! I’ve got my work cut out for me.
So now I’m bringing my focus back to my path and relaxing back into this precious home I’ve manifested on my way to even more preciousness…into the arms of these mountains and the support of my daily practices…walking in the woods, connecting with dear friends, spending sweet summer time with my daughter…slowing down, praying, enjoying the silence…trying to keep it all in perspective.
The questions are still there but the tension is falling away as I surrender into the mystery of each moment…opening up the creative portals as I trust in the magic and celebrate the beauty and grace of life, exactly as it is, while taking steps each day to manifest the vision in my soul in its fullness.
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